Hello, I know I have been gone for a while. I needed to take a mental break. Besides all the events that have been occurring for the past 6 months, I had personal issues that I need to fix, accept, meditate, and/or grow from the experience. Unfortunately, I was let go from a job of 2 yrs before the pandemic. Thankfully, I was already looking for a new job. The same day I was let go, hours later I was hired for a new job. Then hours after I have gotten a new job, my grandmother passed away. In one day… within short time spam, I was let go of a job, hired to a new job, and lost a family member. Obviously, I had mix emotions.
After one week working at the new job we were force to work at home until further notice. Within the one week working at the physical site I didn’t have a lot of training. Therefore, the rest of my training had to be done online. Thanks to technology we are able to commute with one another without physically being at a same place. However, it does not make the task easier. Long story short, within months I was let go of the job. I believe the training and the communication skills were the reason to the factor.
In the mist of all this going on, I still had to help my parents with my grandmother funeral. Be there for my mom (because it was her mother) during the hard time. As well an old childhood friend of mine whom I’ve known for 28 yrs died from the corona. I was shocked and I couldn’t believe it. What made it worse was the virtual funeral. I had to watch everything through my phone as I hear his mother crying loudly in the background. It was weird because I could not physically be there to hug her and comfort her. Till this day, the whole experience is surreal to me.
You think working at home would give me a flexible time schedule in order to deal with the issues properly. Nope. You know how some businesses went under because of the pandemic? And some businesses flourished (for example Amazon)? The company I was working for was profiting. Because the company I worked for sell ingredients/products for HUGE name brand companies that were on high demand during pandemic. So that meant I had to be in front of the computer for hours. One time I worked 65 hours in ONE week. Yes, there were times I started working at 7 AM and didn’t leave that computer until 10 PM. I even worked on a Sunday.
By doing so, I could not deal with my mental and emotional problems correctly. It also didn’t leave a lot of room to practice self care. I noticed my mood swings were getting worse. I decided to place boundaries in order to take better care of myself. I decided to clock out at 6 PM no matter what. But by the time I started to create boundaries, shortly after I was let go.
So… loss of jobs, passing of close people in my life, working crazy amount of hours per week, and lack of self care have brought me into this dark road. I did decide to get counseling from BetterHelp. Though I like the service, unfortunately there’s a lot of restrictions (which I understand). It’s helpful, but if you’re someone who has extremely bad mental health and have been off your meds for some time, then I suggest you don’t use this service. You will need to physically meet someone and get a more attention care. BetterHelp, though it’s good, won’t help you in this case. If it’s a “simple” depression or something that is a little “lighter” then it will work well for you.
The online counseling did help me but because I am unemployed, I cannot continue paying the service. This service does provide financial aid and different payment options, but despite all that and my current finances cannot afford it anymore.
So here I am, jobless (getting very little from unemployment) and mentally and emotionally fucked up. I just received horrible news a couple of days ago about another family member, which I do not want to say right now. I try to push myself everyday to do my very best. The tiniest thing like taking a shower and feeding myself is a HUGE compliment. Getting out of bed is extremely hard. But I push myself to email unemployment department, getting unemployment status, looking for OUTPATIENT psychiatry near my area within my insurance network, managing bill payments and so much more. Everyday I wakeup stressed out with all the things I have to do, which increases my anxiety and makes my depression worse.
When the depression gets worse I don’t want to do anything. Or even when I try to do anything… I break down and cry. Everything is so overwhelming. As I am typing everything out right now tears are splashing on these keys. And what’s worse I feel so alone. I can’t talk to my parents about any of this because we don’t have that type of relationship with them. I can’t talk to my brothers because I feel like they don’t understand and they don’t want to get involve with my mess. I feel like I don’t have any friends.
The only thing that keeps me going is my lover. I only get the opportunity to spend time with my partner only on weekends. I feel more alive when my love is with me. But the weekends are short. So for 5 days I try my best to take care of what I need to take care of and to take care of myself. It’s just really hard to do so when you have thoughts that tells you you’re nothing and you will never be anything. Thoughts that tells you that you will never catch a break. That you will never find your passion and purpose. That the life you were working so hard for is just a fantasy and nothing more. Thoughts like these and so much more, does not help getting by even in the more “simpler” days.
The way my mind have been operating lately has been scaring me. Though I have not gotten any suicidal thoughts, I feel that I might go back into the darkness. It fears me everyday…
Because of my mental and emotional state, I know I am not ready to go back to work. But due to unemployment issues, I will have to force myself to get back into the workforce. I have medications and bills to take care of. I am the only person I can rely on financially. So with that being said, I will have to start applying, even though I know it will make matters mentally worse for me. It is what it is. For now… I know I always say, adult one day at a time. Part of adulting one day at a time is doing something that you don’t want to do, but if it helps relieve some of your stressors then it must be done.
I’m so glad to finally let it out. I still left a lot personal details out. I only list the huge main factors. But obviously with all that have been said, I still try to be grateful. I don’t want your pity or sympathy. I share my story so just in case you’re going through hard times, you know you’re not alone. And whatever you’re going through, just know if I can barely make it so can you. As difficult it is to get out of bed, try… just try… If all you did was brush teeth and stayed in bed for the rest your day. That’s an accomplishment. And I am proud of you. We are all trying to get through this the best way possible. Just know that I love you. I may not know you, but I love you. You are loved. You are strong. You will get through this. WE will get through this together. I don’t think I need to say this but, just in case, we can do this by adulting one day at a time.
IF YOU NEED IMMEDIATE HELP, PLEASE USE THE FOLLOWING:
Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Suicide Prevention Live Chat: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/
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